Celebrating the holidays without expectations can be challenging even for those of us who live an authentic life. How many of us dread the holidays because we have difficulty saying no, declining an invitation, or setting firm boundaries with our family members? Whether it be family traditions we feel obligated to continue, or relatives we feel we must visit, our minds are filled with endless to-do lists, expectations and obligations at this particular time of year. Instead of it being a time of beauty, quiet reflection, and a celebration of our hearts, it becomes stressful and anxiety-ridden trying to live up to the expectations of ourselves and others.
As the holidays approach, we often have difficulty finding time in our busy schedules to be quiet and listen inwardly. Yet, this automatically sets us up to follow the dictates of our head instead of our heart. These mental dictates such as “I must” or “I should” can get us into situations in which we would rather not be involved, such as going to a family holiday gathering we would prefer not to attend. Such an expectation or obligation can also be triggered when a person suddenly calls and asks if you are free without telling you the plans they have in mind. You then may feel obligated to answer “yes,” leaving you vulnerable to committing to an event in which you may have no interest in or may compromise you in an unhealthy way.
In such situations, it is essential that you practice healthy detachment. Patterns such as approval seeking, people pleasing, or insecurity surface especially during the holidays because they are so fraught with expectations. Red flags such as blame, attack or defensiveness signal that a pattern has emerged. Practice pausing when you react, stepping back from the situation and asking yourself: Why am reacting to this person or situation? What is going on with me that I need to shift? Instead of taking another person’s reaction personally, stay detached by not trying to fix their problem, work out their issues, and remind them that you love them and are hear for them. Next, instead of reacting in anger, frustration or irritation, respond from a more positive perspective—for instance, asking if you can call the person back. Finally, affirm to yourself that you always have the power of choice and inform the person of your preference.
For example, I have hosted Thanksgiving at my home for almost thirty years. I look forward to creating a sacred celebration completely different from the chaotic, tumultuous, and conditional holidays I experienced as a child. This year, however, my daughter being separated from her boyfriend while attending medical school decided to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with him. At the same time, my son and daughter-in-law having just moved into their new home invited my husband and me to spend it with them. Instead of laying a guilt trip on my children for not coming home for the holiday, I had to let go of any expectation that Thanksgiving was at my house and with my entire family. Not having an expectation, I wasn’t setting myself or anybody else up for disappointment. I wanted my children to share the holiday with me not out of obligation but from their true intent of what was best for them. So I graciously accepted my son’s invitation.
Then I fielded the next curve ball when my husband decided that he wanted to stay home. First, I had let go of my children coming home now I was being challenged to let go of my husband and I being together-we had never been apart for the holidays. At first, I offered every accommodation I could come up with such as driving instead of flying, bringing our dog Cammi with us, staying at a hotel, and getting an early start home. His preference, however, was to have relaxing down time. As much as I wanted to share this time with him, I knew I must release any expectation and let it all be. I am now flying to Washington DC by myself for Thanksgiving.
Having expectations of ourselves, others, or situations can create energy blocks that interrupt the flow of positive energy because, in becoming attached to particular outcomes, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Not honoring our hearts, leads to resentment and stifles the creation of new possibilities. Moreover, attachments to specific results often prohibit the possibility of even better outcomes by keeping us locked within certain perimeters of intention and perspective.
- Be receptive to new experiences, ideas, and people in your daily routine. Let go of any comfort zones, expected outcomes, and welcome the enhanced love, joy, and play that streams into your life.
- Practice letting things be. Focus your energies on your own life, and stop micromanaging others. Encourage yourself to live without judging present situations or resenting past ones.
- Make more discerning choices by listening to your heart instead of your head. If anyone or anything does not feel aligned with your authentic self, trust your intuition, and change the situation as soon as possible.
- Give yourself permission to break with tradition: Give yourself permission to take time for yourself. Be open to creating new experiences and breaking the predictable patterns of what you’ve always done around the holidays. Take a short get-away, visit friends, and spend more relaxed time with yourself.
- Practice giving yourself permission by doing one or both of the following activities: (a) Telling yourself, “I give myself permission to __________.” (b) Expressing your authentic self in some way.
Thanks for sharing…great advise although you have always given me the tools to make things better, love you!
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share the love. Love you too dear friend!
Hi Debra,
Years ago I nearly gave up on the holidays all together…as in skipping them and going straight to New Years. My first husband and I split over the holidays in 2002. I filed for divorce right after New Year. The next year I was going in for a breast biopsy on New Year’s Eve day (of all days!) and it was the first year I had to “split” Christmas day with my ex. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few days after New Year’s. The next year, I don’t even remember what I did. In 2005, my girls and I got a plane and celebrated Christmas in Colorado. The following year I found myself married to the love of my life and the holidays came with a whole new set of challenges that every step family experiences. Rick and I claimed Thanksgiving Breakfast and Christmas Eve. It’s always changing, ever evolving and we’ve learned to go with the flow. Four of our six kids live far away. Only two will be home this year for both holidays.
For me, the holidays are days on the calendar. When you celebrate your family every day and make a point to visit far away kids throughout the year, Thanksgiving and Christmas become days on the calendar.
I hope you enjoy your time in DC <3
What a wonderful, timely post. I’m still having trouble rolling with one of the changes in my path for this Thanksgiving… What a wonderful life it is that provides the opportunity to look at things from yet another angle. Multi-faceted… like a gemstone! 😉
We are a military family and live quite far from our families so we try to celebrate with our military friends or single Marines who stick around – the holidays are especially hard for them. Each year is something different and we now go into it with no expectations or feeling like we “have to” or “should” do something. This year we’ll be doing a Mexican feast for Thanksgiving because that’s what we all like. Great advice Debra 🙂
Lisa – It’s been awhile since my active duty days, but years and years ago, we did the same thing. It’s only been the last 14 years that I’m “rooted” in the same place.
Sweet Debra,
You are always so supportive!
As an introvert who can sometimes struggle with anxiety, I carve out lots of time to be alone in between my holiday engagements. Spaciousness and down time helps me recharge and enjoy my loved ones over the holidays.
Debra, if I’m not careful, and self-loving, and generous, and grateful, I too can get mired in my own particular pathology of wanting to be invited and then scorning the invitations I get. Sigh. It’s old, and sad, and useless, and can and sometimes does get triggered around the holidays.
In a brilliant play on words, someone once changed the 12-step saying that [fill in the blank]ism is a three-fold disease: physical, mental, and spiritual. They changed it to: [fill in the blank]ism is a three-fold disease: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s (to which I’d add Valentine’s Day, but I’m single).
The takeaway — use your support system, do things for others, express gratitude for what you have. These all gently yet effectively melt away expectations, resentment, entitlement, and any thoughts of deprivation.
Thanks for sharing!
Blessed be,
Sue
Thank you Sue for your inspiring comment and for taking the time to read and share my blog. I truly appreciate you and your insight. Hugs and blessings
What a great post! I look forward to my children inviting me to their house for Thanksgiving. I just wonder if that means that I just get to sit around after the big meal while they clean up?! 😉 Seriously though, great message about releasing expectations. After all, most of our disappointment comes when others don’t live up to the expectations we set for them!
Thanks Sheila for reading and sharing my post. You’ve been so supportive of my work and I truly appreciate you! Hugs and blessings
Debra, you offer insightful and supportive tips here. But what I actually think is also very gorgeous in this article is the process you have just been through with your family plans: I so admire how you are choosing and modeling loving flexibility and non-attachment as your family plans for this holiday have shifted. You are probably being the mother everyone would like to have, and the mother-in-law everyone would like to have!
Thanks Chara for your loving response. It all worked out well and everyone was where they needed to be. Hugs and blessings
Wow, Debra, my heart hurt as I read your story and yet, I loved your willingness to let go of expectations. Being with family is so important to me but during my younger years it wasn’t always possible. I love that as adults, our family gathers where we can, when we can, with love. Letting go of some of the traditions has created some wonderful new memories and experiences. Have a wonderful trip to DC and enjoy the treat of having your son and daughter in law to yourself 🙂
I had a wonderful time in DC with my son and his lovely wife. Thank you for your constant support and insightful wisdom. You are a gift in my life.
Oh my, such wisdom! I so completely agree with you that we must rid ourselves of expectations. Life is constantly changing, and so do our plans, circumstances, events, holidays. And how terrific of both you and your husband to authentically know exactly what you want to do–and then follow through and do it. No resentment, no guilt trip. Your children are blessed to have you as their mother – if only more parents approached holidays like you do, we would have MANY happier times.
Thank you Dina for the support. Yes it was an amazing holiday because we each chose authentically and were where we each needed to be. I appreciate your insightful response-hugs and blessings
My daughter told me a few days ago that her boyfriend isn’t sure he wants to come to a “big” Thanksgiving–so they might not be coming. This being the year that she is “supposed” to be with me (she has been alternating with going to her father’s) the first thing out of the box was my unhappy reaction. I was able to let go of my expectations, but boy do they come up in a moment! It feels so much better when I let go and enjoy what is. That’s where creativity has a chance to emerge!
Wow Laurie I sure know this experience…this was my year for Thanksgiving with my daughter too and she chose her boyfriend. Had to work hard to have no expectations but boy what a relief not to feel the overwhelming disappointment that comes with it…thanks for being so honest and vulnerable. Blessings of the season and many hugs!
I can relate, coming from a large family with a lot of obligations. I prefer to celebrate the holidays quietly at home with my small family in a very relaxed way and have been doing it for the past few years. It is such a relief and joy.
It’s such a relief for me too to celebrate the holidays in a simple and quiet way. I used to have so many expectations mostly on myself for hosting and preparing a huge feast. No more…with ease and grace and so much gratitude. Happy holiday Rachel xo
Debra – I live and breathe this. When I was serving my sister stepmoms, I wrote extensively on releasing expectations…especially during the holidays. My husband and I created a wonderful stepfamily when we got married and I married into a fantastic EX-tended family. When we got married we created our own holiday tradition by laying claim to Thanksgiving breakfast. Yup. Breakfast. These days, the adult kids who live nearby come over from a delicious breakfast, no fuss, no drama, no “well, we need to go see mom/dad/whomever now.
We also host a Christmas Eve party for family and friends. If you can make it – great. If you can’t, that’s okay, too.
xxoo
Love all of these wonderful moments you have created for your family without any expectations just space to show in love! Happy holiday Peggy xo
I love this timely post, Debra. I have found expectations causing myself and others emotional pain. Luckily, I have learned to go with the flow and follow the Divine’s plan. This thanksgiving is also my birthday. Since I was a child, I have not liked sharing my birthday with a holiday. I decided this year to do a whole month of my favorite activities instead!
I celebrate “Deb season” every year and that is a month beginning May 18-June 18 culminating on my sacred day! My husband and I do little things each day to celebrate my birthday. Then we turn around and do it for him. My daughter Alex loves her birthday season and we are in it right now with 25 days of Alex xo
I so appreciate your wisdom about having detached compassion and letting go of expectations during the holidays Debra. Coming from a place of love and self-awareness can transform our usual family patterns into an opportunity for connection in a new and undiscovered way! Thank you so much!
Coming from a place of love and non attachment helps us navigate the holidays with ease and grace. Thank you Kelley and happy thanksgiving xo
I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations lately, and how much they get us tied up in knots. It’s no doubt that the holiday season can be especially challenging when it comes to expectations, and sometimes we confuse traditions with expectations. In the recent few years, how holidays look in my family has been changing as all of my children have reached adulthood, partnered, started a family, etc. Things I used to be very attached to – and admittedly had a very hard time letting go of at first – have become freeing to me now: being able to just show up with gifts or my food contribution instead of being in charge of the whole thing. <3
Expectations do set us up for disappointment especially around the holidays. Great point Kat sometimes we do confuse traditions with expectations…traditions can be fluid and consistently evolving too as we evolve. A happy and peaceful holiday to you Kat xo
This year I am moving 3 weeks before Thanksgiving so I have no expectations for the holiday. We will be at my daughter’s home and that is fine. We used to all take turns doing each holiday but as I started to downsize and my children’s families started to grow, we shifted from year to year. We have no expectations except being together, sharing a wonderful feast, and having gratitude for the year past and the one to come.
Love your fluid and open holiday plans Barb! Have a blessed and beautiful holiday! xo
You covered every prospective Debra. As the years go be we need to be flexible and not attach ourselves to feelings that do not serve us any longer. Go with the flow is the way to go. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!