Everyday we come into contact with people whose energies are toxic, negative and drain our positivity. These “energy bullies” as I refer to them, often are family members, close friends, intimate partners and colleagues. These adult negative energy bullies have difficulty being accountable for own lives. Rather than taking responsibility for their own thoughts feelings and actions, they often become defensive, blame others, and/or play mind games that tries to protect their own ego. People stuck in these toxic patterns can be depleting to our positive energies and highly destructive to our self-esteem. When we simply interact or are in relationship with them, we too think we have to play the same games to protect ourselves, but this only leads to deeper confusion, more conflict, and can erode our true sense of ourselves.
The best way to detach in a healthy way from people who engage in negative energy bullying is to disengage from the “hook” of their patterns. To do so, we must first be aware of the source of our own vulnerabilities and take note of which people and situations push our physical/emotional buttons and trigger our reactions. An energy bully can zero in on a person who has a vulnerability or insecurity and then use it to bring power and more energy to themselves. So, the stronger our reactions, the more deeply seated our vulnerability is to that particular person or pattern. It’s important when we discover such emotions that we can release them privately or with a trusted friend.
Reacting to any person by getting upset or angry, will only entrench us more deeply in the undesirable relationship. Only by pausing, opening our heart, and engaging our inner power can we see the negative pattern that has hooked us into a toxic situation. The more we practice healthy detachment, the less we will react to the negativity of others and respond more proactively. Practicing compassionate detachment, we can bless the person in compassion and then release the situation to resolve or dissolve itself.
Whenever such people come into your life, they can show you something about yourself that you need to release or transform. When unhealthy, negative people try to hook you into their patterns, you must remind yourself that you have the ability to pause, the power to disengage and walk away, and the knowledge of who you truly are. When you don’t feel good about yourself or feel energetically drained around a particular person, it’s your cue to say, “I cannot be with you when I feel this way about myself.” You can then take the focus off the troubling individual and place it on you, giving you the opportunity to illuminate and shift the situation from the inside out. When you change yourself in relationship, then the relationship has opportunity to change too.
I like this post, enjoyed this one thanks for putting up.
This article is so clear and concise! In fact I am sharing it with my students in tonights class! Thank you for such an amazing to-the-point article!
Debra – brilliantly clear article! Where were you about 12 years ago? 😉 These days I don’t engage with emotional bullies or vampires as I call ’em. And…if I absolutely have to because they are family or co-workers, I’ve learned to ground myself and put up an imaginary force field that protects me from them.
This is a great technique… Recognize our triggers – identify when we get hooked and release – better to talk with a friend and let them go than try on our own. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!
Such an important subject! I believe so powerfully in compassionate detachment–I’ve had to do it several times myself. I really appreciate hearing my beliefs echoed back through your voice Debra! Thank you!
Great article! I always appreciate a good article about not letting negativity rain on my parade. I try to send love and compassion and find my center when I am with someone who is really affecting me with their negative energy and then try to take a break from those people for as long as possible. If they start to “get to me” I see that as a sign I have something to learn and lo and behold there is always a big lesson in it. Thanks Debra!
I cut loose all of the energy vampires and bullies in my life many years ago. One of the absolute best choices I’ve ever made. Thanks for another great post!
I love this topic! So many people struggle with others who drain them and you have provided such great tips. My favorite part is about practicing compassionate detachment – brilliant!
I am grateful to the energy bullies who have crossed my path: they have caused me to create better boundaries!
Debra! You write “to disengage from the “hook” of their patterns…we must first be aware of the source of our own vulnerabilities and take note of which people and situations push our physical/emotional buttons and trigger our reactions.”
THIS is so true……….if we don’t know our triggers in the first place, we will react instead of act. I for one know this first hand as I reacted to others for too many years instead of acted upon my own inner wisdom.
Thank you for this reminder ~ especially as we head into the holiday season ahead!!!
This article really hits home for me! I am a glass half full type of person and yet I seem to attract glass half empty people in my intimate relationships. It has always been a struggle for me to detach from the negativity and toxic patterns in the people I care about. This is something I have been working on steadily throughout my spiritual evolution and I have definitely made huge strides. Thanks for the great reminder to detach and let go of Energy Bullies Debra!
Brilliant! So good. Very well explained. Thank you so much for all you do 🙂
Great post Debra! You know, it’s so easy to blame other people for our moods and insecurities. But as you pointed out, we can take control of our own emotions and ultimately realize that this isn’t about the other person, it’s about us. The truth is that ‘all’ bullies (in my opinion), were bullied at some point in their life and they are dealing with it the way they know how or how they saw someone else that they look up to, deal with it. While laying blame feels good temporary (on either side), it doesn’t solve anything. So thanks for offering some very practical solutions on how to move forward with peace and love which always trump aggression and hate – we just need to put it into practice.
Discernment and the strength to stand in that discernment — that’s the key. Seeing, hearing, sensing clearly who is adding goodness and who is bringing the negative.
Thanks for sharing this.
xoxox
Sue
Beautifully stated Debra. I agree, we don’t have to keep ourselves in toxic relationships and can chose weather or not we want to be engaged with people like that in our lives.
Thanks again,
Julia Kristina