We create soul-hearted relationships by being love ourselves rather than going on a quest to find “the one.” It is about being fully accountable for the energy that we are in the universe. If our energy is toxic or negative, we will invite toxicity and negativity into our lives. On the other hand, if we radiate love and our authentic selves, we will attract love and connection with others.
In my life, the pivotal moment of inviting in real love and connection came when I found the courage to let go of my second marriage and chose to love myself more than the codependent patterns that had held my relationship together. Sitting on the wobbly first step of my back deck on a cold spring day in March, I called my friend and spiritual mentor, thinking to myself, “I cannot compromise myself or my children any longer.” It felt like my feet were on the ground anchoring me in my current life while the rest of me was spinning out of control into my future. At the same time, I felt emotionally and spiritually depressed, having long been unhappy but having not allowed myself to feel the depth of my despair or make an alternative choice.
Since the birth of my daughter over nine years before, I had felt as if I had been in emotional and spiritual limbo, going through the motions in my second marriage and my work as a psychologist in a mental health agency while setting my own needs aside for those of others. I knew this place well for I had lived here all my life, waiting for the other shoe to fall, for it to get better, and for the courage to leave. I had clung to my daily routines as a buoy so as not to slip into the black hole of despair that threatened to engulf me. I knew I needed to embrace my pain and let it guide me but I was too afraid to do so. I also knew that in choosing to make other people’s lives wonderful I had forfeited my own fulfillment, along with my dream of true love and connection with myself and a beloved partner.
To create the space for a genuine loving and connected relationship, I had to fearlessly let go of the relationship I was in and release the toxic residue left in its wake. Like a cosmic cow catcher in front of a locomotive, I had to clear the track of anything that blocked the flow of love in my life. Therefore, if I wanted to live a life of authenticity I had to affirm that I was lovable and didn’t need anyone’s permission to express this love.
It is our nature to yearn for authentic love and connection, yet we often stay in an unhealthy relationship beyond its time and purpose out of fear of loneliness, convincing ourselves that the relationship fulfills our need for love and connection and saying such things to ourselves as “I know he loves me, even though he can’t say it and can’t show it.” Unfortunately, we are often seduced by such a pseudo-connection, confusing it with authentic connections with lifelong spiritual companions.
Developing deep connection with a partner on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level is difficult for several reasons. First, most people are terrified of opening their hearts and connecting with others in such an intimate way because they have been hurt, disappointed, or abandoned in the name of love. So instead they hide behind a mask, giving others what they think they want but still not feeling truly loved and connected. Second, many individuals confuse approval-seeking or people-pleasing for genuine love and connection. Third, many people try to fix what’s going on in the other person’s life instead of detaching themselves from their human process and compassionately connecting heart to heart with them. Fourth, many people meet someone who appears better than the last person with whom they were in relationship, think this is as good as it gets, and settle, telling themselves they were lucky to find someone. These kinds of behaviors keep them focused on their own egocentric concerns and insecurities rather than being love and thus attracting more love.
I so relate to your story Debra. After my first marriage ended I learned the secret to finding true love – and that was to become my own true love. And sure enough, the man who also learned the same walked into my life and into my heart. The Universe brought us together when we were 16 and 17 and then parted the seas, sending me one way and he another. 25 years later, God smiled and said, “well done.” We tied the knot in 2006 and our life together is pretty darn amazing 🙂
thank you for a vulnerable and pointed piece about love and deep connection. I loved your end remarks about deep connection with a partner.
I’ve been there, too, Debra. Sometimes I think the biggest test is whether or not we have the courage to listen to our own divine wisdom. Beautifully told…
Debra my first marriage was in Canada. My parents were moving back to the United States and I didn’t want to go back with them. I was 19 when I married and in part it was because I wanted to stay in Canada. Although my first husband was a kind and loving man, I did not love him the way he loved me. It took that marriage for me to understand what I wanted in a lifetime partner. My first husband understood and lovingly supported me with kindness during our separation. I moved back to California, wrote down what I wanted in a relationship, held the intention and a few years later met my soul partner Cody. We have been happily in love and on our spiritual path together for almost 30 years. Thank you Universe! My advice – Never Ever Settle! 🙂
Debra what a beautiful piece of writing! In letting go of what we longer want, we allow more space for authentic relationships. Still amazes me at times my own blind spots in certain relationships. I am always open to learning and therefore growing.
Debra,
You bring up quite a few things I resonate with–1) Letting go of relationships that no longer serve us (both personally and professionally). Been divorced twice by the time I was 28, it was time for me to get myself together and find a healthy soul-hearted relationship. 2) Finding the love within myself FOR myself to allow me to recognize, receive and share love was the key to have a long lasting relationship with my now hubby of over 10 years. It starts with each of us finding love within and then we can allow love in and share it to the world. Great post Debra.
I especially love this: “Like a cosmic cow catcher in front of a locomotive, I had to clear the track of anything that blocked the flow of love in my life.” Whether in relationships, work, self-care, it is so true that we need to clear the track of whatever it is that is blocking the flow of love. Once again, an empowering view of taking hold of our own lives and our futures by making decisions that bring and keep love in our lives – and that the most important kind of all is self-love. Thank you for sharing yourself in your blog.
I can relate. In my second marriage, I thought I had it in me to accept less than what I deserved – but I was wrong! Something clicked eventually and I decided life had to better than what I was experiencing. I wanted a better home environment for myself and my children. It always takes courage to leave, but it is worth it. I still think about the women I knew during that time that remain in hopeless marriages.