Disconnecting from ourselves early in life is often prompted by feelings of shame. Researcher and author Brené Brown identifies shame as the “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and, therefore, unworthy of love and belonging.” Throughout our lives, we absorb shame messages, such as, “I’m unlovable,” “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m unworthy of love.” Doubting our worthiness to be loved and not wanting to feel the shame of our lovelessness, we often disconnect from ourselves and others.
Wearing this cloak of shame keeps us from knowing the divine essence of who we are and being connected. It makes us feel invisible by silencing our voice, squelching our spirit, and suppressing our full self-expression. To lovingly connect, we must reveal who we truly are.
In my case, the shame-based core belief, “I’m unworthy of love” took root after my mother abandoned me when I was eight years old. For twenty years, I repressed my feelings, mistrusted my intuition, dissociated from my body, and became disconnected from myself. I lived in a state of insecurity and unworthiness, believing that if I revealed my innermost self to others they would not love me. Through overachieving and trying to be perfect, I tried to prove that I was deserving of love.
Releasing my shame and realizing that I was worthy of love began with embracing my vulnerabilities and connecting with the fragmented, unloved parts of myself.
For days before I finally made my first therapy appointment, I would stare at the phone in the kitchen and will myself to dial the number on the business card I gripped in my hand. At the time, I was in graduate school studying to be a psychologist, and it felt deeply shameful for me to admit that I was struggling with depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide—the fruits of all my years of self-repression. I agonized about what I would say: that my marriage was on the rocks, that I was scared, that I felt like a bad mother, and that all I wanted to do was escape to a place where no one could find me.
Then one day, while staring at the phone yet again, I heard what I now recognize as the whisper of my spirit guiding me through my heart. It said, “Just pick up the phone.” When I dialed the number, a woman answered, I haltingly said, “I’d like to make an appointment.” After the therapist had taken down my name and phone number, she asked, “Why do you want to see me?” Unprepared to let down my guard down, I swallowed hard, and mumbled, “It’s personal.”
With her guidance I eventually mustered the inner strength to begin searching for my mother, which ultimately catalyzed a search for myself. The search for my mother took a full year of reviewing public records and tracing leads regarding her whereabouts over a long period of time.
Near the end of that tumultuous year of emotional and spiritual healing, I wrote this letter to her in my journal.
December 27, 1986
Dear Mom,
After all these years, I want you to know that I love you. For many years, I’ve tried to forget you, put the past behind me, and pretend that you never existed. Yet, whenever I think of you, I feel so much pain.
I’ve realized that for me to heal, love myself, and be happy I need to try to find you or say good-bye. I want to know what happened to you and if you’re still alive.
Mom, I’ve really missed you. I wish you were here to hold, comfort, and just be with me. Painful questions weigh heavy on my heart. Where have you been all these years? How could you leave me? Why didn’t you try to find me? Do you still love me?
I forgive you for not being there, for leaving me. I want to see you, to feel you, and to understand your pain and suffering. I know you once loved me, and I’ve always held that in my heart. Thank you for bringing me into the world. Please find the strength within your heart to reach out to me.
Love always,
Debbi
In making that phone call, I finally stopped running from my unbearable shame and embraced my vulnerabilities. I realized that I had always had the power to heal my innermost wounds. But before I could heal—before I could love and connect to myself—I needed to acknowledge that those messy, imperfect parts of myself existed in the first place.
Through this healing process, I learned that, by opening our hearts, we can channel the power of love we possess as spiritual beings―but that, until we step out of the shadows of shame and stop demeaning ourselves, we will not be able to fully open to that power.
Joleen Eide-Johansen says
Thank you for sharing your own personal story, there are so many people suffering in silence, and I used to be one of them. I know that my own healing began when I admitted I needed help. I knew I could not go on living the way I did. I also know that the hardest part of all is letting go of all the feelings of unworthiness. I really loved reading this, it was a perfect reminder that self love and forgiveness are most important. Much love to you <3
Debra Reble says
My healing began to with admitting I needed help too! The first step is in self-love is embracing our pain and vulnerability. Much love Joleen
Our parents are the major influences in our lives and bring us the biggest gifts of what our lives and healing journey will be about. Your letter to your mom is very moving it brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your deep and honest and vulnerable story, it is truly healing.
Thank you Rachel for your love and support! Writing that letter to her was so transformative and healing! Much love and blessings
Debra, I’m so happy you came out of the shadows of shame to share your gifts of love, vulnerability, thoughtfulness and empathy. The world is a better place for it and we are blessed with the gifts of a leader and healer. Thank you for sharing your story. It bravely illustrates how we can transform our inner workings from a place of shame to inner beauty. Much love! xo
thank you Melissa for your beautiful acknowledgment and for your love and support! You captured the message that we can transform our inner workings from a place of shame to one of inner beauty! Much love and blessings
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of yourself, Debra. What a gift that you’re sharing your true self with the world through your writing. The world definitely needs that 🙂
Thank you Lea as I know it’s only through walking with our vulnerability do we heal ourselves and sharing it do we heal others! Much love
I feel fortunate to have had a ringside seat for watching your increased opening into your power. I’m glad we’re connected. <3
Thank you Andrea for your beautiful acknowledgment of me! And yes we have been connected since I first met you and dared to follow my heart and step into my light. Much love and blessings dear friend
Oh my goodness! That letter to your Mom made me cry 🙁
Even though I still have my mother, I totally felt what you were saying. I really hope you found your mother. Thank you so much for sharing! Dr. Reble
Thank you Claudia! After 30 years, I did find out that she had died a year and a half after I last saw her. The rest of the story is in my new book Being Love. Much love and blessings
What a beautiful tale of self-acceptance and forgiveness. This touched my heart, thank you!
Thank you Vironika Much love
A beautiful sharing. By showing your vulnerability and releasing shame it is helping others to heal. I am soo excited for your book release Debra! Blessings Lisa xx
Thank you Lisa! I’ve embraced my vulnerability to heal and love myself and I share it with others so they can heal themselves! Much love and blessings